The Church of Jesus Christ of Excommunicated Saints

Dear members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,

This is just a friendly reminder that you are daughters and sons of a Heavenly Father who loves you, and you love Him.  He sent his Only Begotten Son to atone for your transgressions in order to help you receive a remission of your sins and one day return to live with Him in Celestial glory.  

You have been given a body which allows you to experience life.  Within that body you have been given a marvelous brain that helps you to do myriad things, not the least of which is the ability to learn and, yes, even question what you learn.  You have also been given a heart--a power plant that pumps blood but that also serves as the central "feeling" organ.  Your heart is able to experience countless emotions--some good, some bad, but all very real.  Lastly, your body harbors a spirit that is able to discern truth from deceit and light from darkness.

It is important you know that you have been given freedom to choose what to do with this precious life your Father has given you.  You are free to decide what to believe, what to feel, how to interpret your life experiences . . . as long as all of those things coincide with official "Church" doctrine.  You see, even though God gave you a body and a brain and a heart and a spirit, that doesn't mean you know how to use them properly.  No, you are a natural man.  You love sin.  You are too susceptible to the fiery darts of the Adversary.  You are precious, but you are weak.  You cannot be trusted to think or feel on your own.  

Therefore, we will do those things for you.

Don't worry.  All will be well in Zion as long as you do what you're told.  You say you have doubts?  Well, we say: "Doubt your doubts."  You see, your brain, even though it has been given the ability to study and analyze, will only steer you astray.  Intellect is your great enemy.  Your heart is telling you that something isn't right?  Well, why have you let Satan into your heart?  Of course you have questions.  We all do!  But the best thing you can do with your questions is take them to the Lord and trust in the revelations He sends you . . . as long as those revelations coincide with the things that we have taught you.  If they don't, then your answer obviously came from the Devil and you must repent immediately.

But, our dear brothers and sisters, there's an easier way to get answers.  All answers can be found in the information we give you.  Some people say that it is wishy-washy and cookie cutter, but we say pish-posh!  Correlated material is the only way to go when you're looking to control the masses!  It's a win-win for all of us!

So, why tax your wonderful mind with such trivial questions as what we do with your tithing money and why our secret handbook of rules supersedes official scripture?  Why look into the alterations of official Church history or dig deeper into unimportant topics such as blacks and the priesthood, polygamy or homosexuality?  Why not do something more edifying.  For example, here's an idea . . . let's go shopping!  In downtown Salt Lake there is a wonderful place where you can shop your cares away . . . (just make sure you pay your tithing first, because . . . blessings!).  City Creek Center is for people just like you!*  (*As long as you are rich, good looking, impeccably dressed, and ready to spend, spend, spend!)

Or, you can go and watch the new hit movie, "Meet the Mormons"!  In fact, why no take a non-member friend because--hey!--everyone likes the movies!  And don't forget to tell them that this movie is definitely not for the purpose of proselytizing.  Not in the slightest!  We're not one of those "weird" churches that tries to coerce people into believing in us.  No way!  We're hip and cool!  Just check out our awesome websites!*  (And don't forget to like our Facebook pages and follow us on Twitter!) (*Be sure not to bring up homosexuality, that women are only as good as their wombs, or the fact that in order for them to be worthy they must give 10%.  We'll let two 18 year old missionaries handle that at a later date.)

The bottom line is, just do as we say and everything will be fine.  Don't be like those evil, sinful blogger people who seriously question the Church.  They think for themselves and most definitely do not follow the Prophet.  We've confirmed that these people openly support gay and women rights.  They read anti-Mormon literature such as the official history of the Church.  And many of them drink Coke and Pepsi . . . caffeinated.

But no worries, brothers and sisters, we are systematically seeking those people out and excommunicating them.  We're doing this for you, beloved members, because we cannot risk their evil influence--their "free-thinking" minds--to corrupt the flock.  We will find these people.  We will weed them out.  And you will be safe from their wily and cunning deceptions.

Remember . . . following your leaders is what will keep you safe in these perilous times.  We bear our testimonies of the truthfulness of conformity.  And we strongly urge you to conform of your own free will and volition . . . or you will be compelled to do so.

With love,

Your leaders.